Beyond “The Sight”

I read a lot of scifi and fantasy books. It’s my favorite genre, though I will honestly read just about anything you put in front of me. Sometimes such books will help in my religious/magical life, and other times they will be a hinderance.

For instance, Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar novels will always have a place in my heart. I have read them countless times, particularly Magic’s Pawn. However, all of the books discuss magic and energy as things you see. The emphasis on sight is common across the spooky board. We talk about visions of Gods, or using “blue” energy. What the ever-loving fuck is “blue” energy? Your blue might well be the joy of a clear sky on a sunny day, and mine might be the depths of the ocean. Those are very different types of energies. Except that me? I’m not big on sight in general.

A big issue I’ve had in learning from books is the emphasis on sight. Even one’s that talk about “you don’t need to be good at visualizations” tend to rely on visualizations. Well fuck.

I’ve have seen a number of books that talk about the importance of grounding and centering. In a few of them they impressively mention trans folks. (Gasp! We exist!) Except it is almost always in the context of centering being important, and not being centered in your body is bad, just ask trans folks. We’re there as a comparison… but it gives NO HELP for those of us who are trans and trying to do that shit. Honestly, I really hate being the comparison for other reasons as well. But regardless, it gave no help, because the only real help involved visualization and matching your energetic body to your physical. Again, this is something touched on in fantasy novels. Aligning your physical and energetic bodies is considered important, but almost always relies on the idea that they match. Well mine don’t match, and visualization isn’t my thing. So, basically, I was shit out of luck.

I’m not big on sight. I’m more about touch, pressure, and shapes. Sight and sound are not my metaphorical language most of the time.

So the reliance on visual language, accidentally hammered home by much of my lovely escapist reading, held me back in my Work. I never could see how my energetic body was out of alignment with my physical. I never understood the “imagine a pretty circle of light” kind of shielding technique. Beyond the fact that I always found that to be pointless (a pretty circle of light won’t protect you from shit,) I couldn’t do it. I could feel the earth, pull it up around me, shape walls, a house or fortress even. I could take air and dust and center myself in a raging tornado. By feel.

It makes sense. I think in spatial patterns yes, but they aren’t actually visual. I’m inside them, the spheres of time and the maps of memory. Both visual and auditory learning are things I struggle with. Sight just isn’t my thing.

By extension, though I would say I have experience of my Gods, I shy away from the term “visions” because I don’t do the visual thing very much. It’s much more about touch, about sound, about presence. I don’t do the auditory thing exactly either. Their questions are felt, my answers and thought, and neither in words. It took me a while to realize one reason that my Gods don’t communicate to me in words most of the time is because words are not the native language of my brain. Their communications are clearly distinct from my usual thought processes, but it’s still usually in vernacular of my head. Which means, not words.

Translating this to other people gets tricky however. I will say things like the Snake asked my consent, which is true. It just didn’t involve words. Just because Lilith showed up didn’t mean I saw Her. It also doesn’t mean it was any less distinctly Lilith.

Unfortunately, I am not able to articulate better ways of centering to other folks. For me, it only came once I connected it back to figure skating. I was a competitive figure skater in my youth (and now often use a cane a result), and my teacher tried getting me to get back to that. But even then I couldn’t connect until I recalled that solid feeling when I did a layback properly. Or a flying camel. These are things that literally do not translate to people who are not me. But one thing I will say for other trans folks who do energy work… centering in your physical body and your energetic body may be two different things. Sometimes one will be of more use than the other. And it’s also okay if you aren’t ready to center in your physical body because of gender.

It’s okay not to visualize. Don’t stress about that. Honestly, don’t stress if you aren’t good at sensing energy, you don’t have to be. Think about how you best learn, how best you think, and use that as a basis.

Because as much as I love the world of Valdemar, as much as Arrow’s Flight has an amazing look at the importance of grounding and centering, it only got in the way.